worlds apart

You sleep so perfectly, as you lay sideward, content and comfortable in your bed. I put my ear to your chest, to hear your heart beat. A smile comes across my face. The sound of your life is beautiful to me.
I wanted to speak with you today, I had lots to talk to you about. I wanted to share my heart with you. I wanted to exchange thoughts for thoughts, uno, like you do with your friends. I had hoped for us to talk when u were getting ready for bed. Sometimes we talk then.
You said thanks, and turned out the light. I started to respond, I said how it was a good day today, and how the weather was nice. I asked you how you went with showing love to your dad. I knew you cared about it, and wanted to help you with it. My words were spoken in vein though. Your thoughts wandered on to how much you earned during the week, and how you were going to spend it. I received five seconds from you. I was thankful for them, I tried to use them, to have a chat, but it just wasn’t long enough.
You sometimes talk to your friends about me. That’s cool. Some weeks we are really great. We talk and share, and you slowly give bits and pieces of yourself to me. Eventually though you take it all back. A good week will usually be followed with a bad week. Or a good month will follow a bad month. Your heart simply wanders to other things. It’s a hard relationship, but I take what I can get.
Now. Right now. I feel forgotten.
My days are five seconds long.
I sing love songs over you, all day long, hoping that you would hear me.
You exchange it with five seconds.
I pray for you, hour after hour, before the Father God, interceding for you.
You exchange it with five seconds.
The only way that we could ever speak, or for us to ever have a relationship, was for me to die. I decided to.
You exchanged this, with five seconds. I wish we were more. more than five seconds.
I wish I was more. more than forgotten.
—-
david goode (c) november, 2006.

i wrote this a year ago. pretty much exactly a year ago. actually, i still remember the night i wrote it. it was one of the most emotional moments of the year.
after trying to sleep in the heat, i stumbled out of my bed, my knees abruptly hitting the ground, making a light thud. i had hit abit of a low. I spent the whole empty day by myself, buying useless crap i didn’t need. i felt bad that i had spent all my money, so much so that i didn’t even have enough money for my tithe at the end of the week.
the discman was next to the bed.
`beep beep beep. play.
with my seinnheisers fully covering my ears, on played worlds apart by Jars of Clay. i looked blankly in my lonely room at the wall in front of me, lit by the dull reading light resting on the bed head.
as the words slowly spilt out of the tiny speakers cuffed to my ears, i had this intense image of Jesus being with me the whole day. He was with me in the stores that i went to, when i had lunch, when i was in the car and when i was at home. The only problem was that i had headphones on, and i couldn’t hear a word he said. I was trapped in my own head, my headphones regurgitating myself over and over again.
i ripped my headphones off and chucked them across the other side of the room. Onto the desk chair i went, quickly typing in the passwords to get it open. I started typing the words written above, tears hitting the keys below. my eyes didn’t stop, so much so i could barely see the screen. it didn’t matter, i knew exactly what i had to write. once i finished i kinda just sat there, not really knowing what to do or say or feel. i eventually crept back into bed and soon fell asleep. this was me saying sorry, me realising that what i was giving wasn’t enough, me realising that i wanted to give more.

I write these words, and re-visit the words above because its more often than not how my life becomes. I sit here in my lounge room and tell you that things aren’t much different. im not writing this for you to feel sorry for me, or for you to tell me not to feel condemned or guilty, cause i know all of that stuff.
im writing this because im on a mission. mission to de-wrap. im so wrapped up in my own skin and my own thoughts and my own world; im kinda getting over it.
i want to de-wrap myself from myself. its not just a one off thing, de-wrapping is a process. stepping out of the world of self, and looking to Jesus, the author of everything. stepping out of self, and looking to other people, people God created for us to love and accept and care for.
i want to invite you on the journey. i hope that other people can identify with me, and that im not just alone in this problem. to de-wrap the world from all their troubles, we need to firstly de-wrap ourselves from ourselves.

so, whos in?