paintmesilly, paintedmesilly from July 19th 2007 –> May 5th 2008.
Thanks for reading. This blog was probably more for the writer than the reader. But that happens alot. Blogs for me are like seasons. I can’t write about summer when it’s freezing in the middle of winter. So i do have a new blog. it is www.staysmallwithme.wordpress.com Much Love
David Goode

“You came of the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve.” said Aslan. “And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest begger, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth. Be content.”

- C.S Lewis in Prince Caspian

Dear Dad,

I don’t have anything really specifically to say. As I sit to write these words, I don’t have a pad next to me with a whole lot of dot points, plotting out what I want to say. It’s just me with my mind, and my fingers typing what my mind figures out. I have wanted to write this for a while now, so I apologise to myself as well to you that this was not written earlier. I am sure though that you are not disappointed as it is not something that you are expecting. I am unsure of the length, or the content of what will be said. We will just see where the pen leads.

I chase my mind back to the beginnings of my life when I was a lot smaller. Smaller ears, smaller feet, smaller legs, smaller everything. I would prance around your feet, or mums feet, or anybody I felt the urge to annoy. I remember my first memory was when we were at a family holiday in mitta mitta, with that strange family we used to be good friends with. I think, after I talked to mum about it, I was around two when it happened. I remember eating fizzer lollies from an old 80’s style wooden bowl, one of those party bowls you put chips or confectionary in. Of course, this makes good sense because it was definitely the 80’s and it probably would’ve been some kind of party.

It’s strange to think that the mind, by itself, without any consultation from anybody or anything, remembers some things and disregards others. Why is that? Why was this strange random memory my first? Why wasn’t it some milestone where I said my first full sentence or when I had my first God moment in church. Of course as life moves forward, we as people remember more and more things, events, feelings, friends and family. Things that we do, things that have all kinds of emotion attached to them. Jealousy, guilt, shame, happiness, joy, excitement. If you look at this human experience, from a very simple straightforward point of view, like an alien looking at the human race from the outside in, all they would see would be a string of interactions and experiences, spanning eighty or ninety years, with it ending with some kind of death, some kind of finish.

These experiences and interactions determine who we are. We are what we do. I know this isn’t true with everything, but I believe it rings true with a lot of stuff. We can ponder to ourselves till we go insane, but until we actually put thought into action, our musings hold no weight. What we do proves to ourselves who we are. What we do proves to other people who we are.

*words scribbled on the back of an exercise book at the end of 2006, when i failed a subject at bible college*

“I want these words to change me. Let it be a button on a machine, that when you press it, it does stuff. Motion, motion, motion. Why is this so hard? It doesn’t feel like it should be hard, but it is, it’s extremely hard. I am defining myself in these days. Defining my strength, my perseverance, everything.

Its all crazy like crazy, thats the best way i can explain it.

I am sick of failing, I’m sick of all the negative things ruling and reigning, like an evil dictator man inside my head, forcing bad unnatural things onto good and pure intentions. Can i change the future for myself?
I want to; thats a surety.”

All i wanted to do that night was to cut those red capsicums. It was so methodical. Three cuts along the seam of the capsicum, then one across the face. Cut cut cut cut in the bucket. Aaron gave me one of his sharp knives to cut them too. I was facing the edge of the kitchen, with my back facing the customers, my knife in hand, cut cut cut cut in the bucket. The speakers were facing my way too. The kitchen i work in is an open kitchen, so that means when we have music playing, it has to be really soft, otherwise the customers can hear it, and thats no good. i can’t remember what was playing, all i remember is thinking that it was good that i could hear the music. Cut cut cut cut in the bucket.

I sped way to quickly to work, like maybe 15ks over the limit. That was no good. I ate too much today, spent too much in the city. That was no good. Walking from my car to the kitchen, my mind thought the same five words over and over again; ‘I don’t want to work’. And that was no good. I swear there was a tape player up there with the same message repeating on both sides.
Aaron asked me to cut these red capsicums, and that was good. i felt release, like when you’re able to escape something you didn’t know you were able to escape. Like your old high school teacher offering you an extension on a stressful assignment. i felt happy to grab that ten litre bucket from the back of the store room this time. The tape player seemed to be dislodged now. Cut cut cut cut in the bucket.

The night rolled on eventually without the red capsicums. It rolled on with frustrating customers, tofu oil, chocolate desserts and Indians. Lots and lots of Indians. We had a function on that night, some kind of Indian party. They were cool. Shaking their heads at me, when really they meant yes. ‘Do you want saffron rice?’ No. wait, yes? yes. Okay, Saffron it is. We have three rice choices at my work, brown, jasmine and saffron. When i asked one of the girls this question, she looked at me as if to say ‘Dude, do i look like I’m Indian to you? Of course i want saffron. Load it up punk.’ I thought this was amusing, i remember having a little chuckle when retrieving her metal tray.

Don’t you think its amazing how one little amusing thing can completely change what is recorded on the tape in your head? This is the ultimate reason why i believe God has a sense of humor. We’d all be killing ourselves if he didn’t.

We finished serving the food at around 10:25 that night. I unloaded the buffet trays, cleaned out the rice-cookers, swept the floor and cleaned the glass. Once these were done, i checked everything else had been done, all the little annoying things, like making sure the fans were turned off and all the matts were dragged to their right places. Then i left.

I got into my car, i didn’t speed. I got home, i didn’t overeat. I got up the next morning and went to work.
And that was good.

‘Laughter is carbonated holiness’ – Anne Lamott

Words scroll across a wonderful screen, like this one, over and over again. These words scroll across in pieces of time that seem to be repeated over, like breathing air once already breathed, giving you that irreplaceable stale feeling against your skin on a nice hot day. I’m sure i was lying on this bed, with this same computer, typing like i am now just a few days ago.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Is this repetitive yet? Is this repetitive yet? Is this repetitive yet? Is this repetitive yet? i wonder whether repeating scenes of our lives is a healthy or non-healthy thing. i know non-healthy isn’t a word, but i don’t care, lets use it anyway.

i think this whole repetitive thing can be cut in half. Lets cut it in half.

I hate repeating mistakes. I hate repeating bad habits. I hate repeating bad conversations, bad mindsets, bad everything. We know its bad because we feel bad afterwards, we feel somehow wrong, far from ourselves. Do you ever do something, or say something, and think to yourself straight afterwards “sheesh, I’m never doing THAT again”. Its all those things. Even little things, like eating too much or reading too little. procrastination. arrogance. stubbornness.

You don’t like repeating them? well, stop doing them.

The other half looks something like this. You have a ridiculously successful day at work, productive, self-controlled. You’ve kicked 10 goals and now you’re out for your evening stroll, burning off those calories from that caesar salad you had for lunch. Last week you did something stupid, you could have repeated that scene today, but you chose not to. Actually, you could have repeated that scene yesterday as well, but you chose not too. After the walk you’re going to meet up with some of your chum chum mates and have a drink. Then after that, your going to look over your notes for the next day, read that book that your eating away at, then sleep.

Winner! You’ve repeated this for three days straight now, and you couldn’t possibly feel anymore YOU. You are learning from the hard mistakes and living a life opposite to stuff that makes you feel bad. If one didn’t know what good was, all they would need to do would be to find out what all the bad things were, and do the opposite. Bad meaning the things that make you feel crap, those things that you have control over, those things that you can change. And you usually have more control over things than you think. how you feel, how you let things affect you. bla bla bla.

lets try and stop repeating the bad, and start repeating the good. it might take you five years to stop doing something that makes you feel crap. At least you’re trying. The day you give up is the day you loose yourself to it. Thats cause we are worth more than the crap we create.

my scene is the same as usual. sitting on the bed with my laptop on my lap. funny that. it’s a pretty apt name don’t you think? They really thought hard about that one. a while ago i found a spot where i can let it rest on my lap without it heating up too much. its hard to explain, but its good. it just means that i can rest in the same position for a long time without feeling like my legs are about to go on fire.

i have been thinking deeply lately. but i wonder, what does deeply mean? meaning of life stuff, who we are stuff. i think about thinking about this stuff and i wonder if this could just be normal? every human has to face these kinds of questions one day or another right? no matter how dumb they are, i think that every human has to process these kinds of thoughts. uno, like its a must do, a box on the human checklist that has to be ticked off before we die. otherwise if someone doesn’t, i wonder whether that person is truly human? hmm. i’m not sure, I’m throwing around questions in a really really small box, which makes them fly around really really fast. sorry if you’re getting dizzy.

anyway i say that to say this; cant we classify these questions as normal? we only perceive these to be deep questions because we compare them to all the other questions. Like what we eat every day and how we are to make our way to the lawn bowls on tuesdays. we get so caught up in these day-to-day life questions, that when we eventually get to real life-life questions, we feel they are too deep and perhaps even sometimes burdensome. i want to propose that these questions are the real questions. the questions we were made to ask. because deep down this is what the person, whether you realise it or not, wants to ask. now im not trying to be super-spiro in dividing up the soul body and heart and whatever, as if we are all schizophrenic. All im trying to say is that the person that we are, the thing that God made, the beautiful character that we sometimes neglect, asks these questions all the time. we just have to stop worrying about how we are going to get to the lawn bowls and start wondering what exactly we are doing here, how we are trapped inside our bodies and what we are going to do with our lives.

so i have been thinking lots about stuff. there are many questions that don’t have answers. too many maybe. i mean questions that don’t have real answers, no matter how hard you look. Like, God existing and the bible being what God wants us to read and what he wants us to align our lives with. how can we really know the answers to those? i guess thats where faith comes in.

Faith and these questions are such personal things. They can be communal things, but they are always personal things. Thats why i think so many people get edgy when christians try to force their answers onto other people. They wonder to themselves why another person is trying to answer questions that are only theirs to explore. Each person has to ask these questions, these questions dealing with the very heart of who they are and how they are to live their life. hmm… i do wonder, could we possibly get anymore personal?

so i think that when Jesus commanded his followers to make disciples of all nations, he didn’t mean for us to cram doctrine down other peoples throats. i think he just simply meant that we should give people the opportunity to choose God, represented by us, by the way we live and love. Without us being there, they don’t have a choice, and without a choice, they can’t choose God, and therefore, the commandment is impossible to fulfill. i don’t think Jesus asked us to choose for other people. i think he asked us to give other people a choice.
And at that, a choice worth wondering about.

hmmm…

i realise that i never really let any dedicated reader of this blog know how i am feeling and what i’m actually doing with my life. The last three blog posts were in a series of four. The fourth one is currently scribbled on a A4 pad which i bought from a 7/11 in the middle of bangkok for 32 cents. Its folded and creased and battered from travel abuse. its one of those pads that you don’t really care about, one of those pads that you use for scribbling down phone numbers and working out simple sums. im still yet to transcribe it to computer form, hence the lack of posting for the last week.

So i’ll take this opportunity to let everyone know what’s going on. I’m sure most of you know already considering i see you or talk to you in some way or another. I just started my 2nd year of uni last week, and to say the least, its getting rather busy. busy is probably the best describing word i can use for such a state. busy as it is, im still enjoying it, and am happy that i made my way into such a degree. you get a kind of peace when you feel you are somewhat on the right track, that you are working towards something greater, something that you will enjoy, something you can see yourself in. right now im having glimpses of a ‘me’ in five-ten years time and really, its not scaring or daunting me at all. I’m slowly getting more clarity of what i want to be ‘doing’ exactly. we are what we do, after all.

thailand seems to be going all well and rosy. I have sent off my application to Thammasat university and apparently according to be education abroad unit lady person i will get a personal offer in the mail soon. My faculty overseer, a kind man called robbie, has set up my subject choices so i can do a whole year of study there if i want to, and not just a semester. How very nice of him. that means i could be spending a whole year + a few months over there. who knows. the australian version of dave could soon start to evaporate

I’m not to sure about this though. Me living in thailand is still completely up in the air and I’m still far from convinced that it will work. I do like melbourne, although i don’t really identify myself as an Australian. surprised? mmm. maybe thats for another post.
So im twenty, living in the same piece of time as you, and am working towards a B.A in International Studies. fun fun. this year is a year of reading books and sharing stories. A year where i give out to people, i love my friends and i encourage my family. But most of all its a year of self-discovery, discovering who the character is deep down inside me.
Goodness. what a crazy thing life is.

I could try my very best and summarise the whole bible story in a couple of paragraphs for you. You could understand the basic outline of how the whole thing works out. Who wins, who looses, what Jesus does, why he does it and how. But something about that idea I just don’t like. It just wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be fair on anyones part. It wouldn’t be fair on God, if you just used some half-baked typed up little summary with pretty little pictures illustrating the ‘ten big steps’ of the christian story. It wouldn’t be fair on me, relying on something I have created, something like a smaller bible, for such a critical decision. And lastly it wouldn’t be fair on you. Could you possibly capture the beauty of the whole Lord of The Rings trilogy in just a few paragraphs? It’s the same principle.

It usually takes the average person between 3-9 months to read the whole bible, if you take a little bit in each day, depending on how fast you read. I’m not asking you to retreat up to a high mountain and fast for three weeks, meditating and praying. This is just a standard reading amount before you sleep or after you wake, or whenever you do your reading. Read it however you like. The bible is divided up into smaller books so it gives you some flexibility. They aren’t put into exact chronological order, so if you wanted to do that you could do some research and find what order they come in. For me, I like to read from the start of both testimonies, read matthew and Genesis at the same time, and move from there.

Take away everything. The church, commentaries, ideas, theology, saints, martyr’s, thoughts of friends and family, hurts and pains that you have harboured towards christianity and you are left with one thing. The bible. The rest is background noise. This is why im asking you to consider reading the whole thing, because really, it’s the only thing completely worthy of your time when you come to think about it all. It’s the only thing you can make a correct judgement about christianity on, because all of christianity is founded upon it. Try your hardest to forget christians that have hurt you, pre-conceived ideas of what you think of it already, and read with an open mind.

I have about eight little thai orphans watching me write these words. Of course, they have no idea what they are, as their ability to even speak english doesn’t exist let alone read it. The one on my left is coughing far too much, enough to make me pray that I don’t get whatever it is he has. The one on my right is way too active for his own good, looking at five places at once, jumping, dancing and sitting all at the same time.

We all want to make a mark in life, something above the ordinary, something a little bit different. We want to be us, we want life to be a beautiful celebration of the simple existence of who we are. Who we are is founded on so many things. Our experiences. The people we live life with. The choices we make. Our childhoods, our families, our friends, our environments. All these things are bits and pieces that make us who we are.
Then there is christianity. Christianity has so much to say about all this stuff as well. About indentity, about definition, about who we are. It takes the very core of you and changes it all around.
So when you consider christianity you have another choice you’re faced with. You choose whether you want to let it define you, because you can’t have a christianity if you don’t give it the opportunity to change every single little part of you. If you think you have some kind of christianity where you are still relatively the same person as before you were a christian, then what you have isn’t christianity at all.
Christianity relates to every single part of our lives, and this is the only way it really works, one brutal swing at all we think we know about ourselves and about the world.

That’s why I guess you have to take this thing seriously, because a half hearted effort just doesn’t fit. Its kinda all or nothing. You can’t simply pick at pieces you like because it doesn’t really work like that. It’s a complete worldview, having an answer for pretty much everything.
So, want to consider with me?

So I have come to this critical decision in my mind that no matter what is going on around me, whether there is a cyclone right outside my window or a dog peeing on my right foot, the scriptures need my time. The importance of time gives out more than we will ever know. I try to comprehend every now and again what our time really is worth, but I always end up resigned with hands thrown in the air. We can never know, so we may as well try to make the best of it now while we have it.

Cessile Roads, a stubborn agnostic once said this, ‘If God exists, then the most important thing in all the world is to find out his will, and do it’. Whether he exists or not is the greatest faith step we as people can take on our journey of life. This we can never prove nor disprove. Weird old men with long white beards live at universities and argue about these things everyday. When all is said and done and everyone goes to sleep, we can neither prove that he exists or prove that he doesn’t exist. This then means that it all comes back again to that one faith step. I think this is one of the greatest genius’ of God. If God sat up in the clouds and we could actually see him, and we could scientifically prove that he existed, everybody would be brian houston. Faith would almost be a non-issue if this was the case. Take faith away and you barely have a christianity do you? Faith plays such a crucial part, it plays the part of choice, to believe or not to believe.

So I guess this is the first question you face when you are presented with christianity. Its not simply a question that you answer yes or no to when you first understand the possibility of it all. You can be 20 years entreached in the culture of it all like me and still be asking that question.
Could it all be true? What if christianity really is how it all worked out? That the bible really has something to do with God and me and the relationship between the two of us.

Whether you’re a racist, a murderer, a buddhist monk or a muslim extremist, we all have one thing in common. We are all human. And in this familaritiy I invite you to explore the Jesus that you may or may not know. You wouldn’t want to come to the end of your life and realise that your stubborn mind prevented you from at least asking the tough questions of this whole thing.

new year, new posts. paintmesilly starts it all again.

i dedicate this post to the year of oh eight. we are all framed individually in this piece of time, crazy isn’t it? me, you and the most powerful men around the world all share this in common. No matter how much we try to manipulate stuff, we as humans can’t change time. i don’t care how many sushi restaurants you own, your getting older and you have less and less to loose. oh i don’t want to start this year on a depressing lets-be-critical mood, but maybe thats the way it needs to be. i think this year is a year where a lot of us wake up to reality, where we slap ourselves silly and start to make changes so we can facilitate attitudes that will change the world. haha, are you sick of idealistic nonsense from this blog?

i’m not sure about you, but this year is where i discover how life works. Im going to chase that beast of a thing, run after that which lasts forever, the things that are painted on the hall ways of eternity forever. what are they? i guess im going to find out. But this much i tell you. when i do find out, im going to be so flippen passionate about it, you won’t be able to stop me. silly pop culture, fancy crushes and fast cars will fade away and be placed in their proper positions; in the background. too many times i think the things that are important aren’t really important at all.

2008 needs to be a year of change. i really believe that. lets clean up this thing called humanity by starting with ourselves. the year of oh eight is the year of slapping silly things that shouldn’t be, and fixing up things to the way they should be.
welcome.

if you haven’t yet noticed, i have taken something like a holiday from my writing. it was never intended, actually. It just happened like that. This is by far the longest break i have ever had, on this blog anyway.
I often have an urge or two to jot some words down on paper, but often lately the jots haven’t been able to find any contact with anything substantial. And the results? no writing.
Half of the problem is that i’m reading too much. Now thats a bit of an oxymoron isn’t it? Doesn’t reading inspire writing? Well i guess it does. But i think the more i read, the less capable i feel, and the less confident i feel in my own writing and words. There are some beautiful pieces of writing out there. Do you ever read something and just sigh and sigh and sigh because you couldn’t think of anything that could be more beautifully constructed? I have found myself doing that over and over lately. Sometimes i think i should just give up writing on this thing altogether. Ill just state quote after quote after quote. because no doubt, everything that i want to say and will want to say in the future, has got to be said by someone somewhere already. Right?

Don’t worry, i’ll write something soon. this isn’t really a post, just a blog explaining why im not.

i guess I’m just a square trying to fit in all the wrong circles. sometimes it feels like my mind is wrapped in cellophane, everything is just tainted a little bit different from what the real reality is. scream shout and kick your way to something new, try and pretend you’ve begun a new chapter. That you inside that skin shell of yours have begun something fresh that is different from the last five depressing years of your life. Lets start to touch the eternal things. Circles are terribly overrated, the issues you have now should have been dealt with ten years ago. God are we completely missing the point?

Lets forget the flimsy excuses we as the western church have given. We’re obviously doing something wrong. God is over our clappy clappy rhetorical nonsense where we sing the hillsong but are too busy to pray and seek God out. I feel sometimes we are too caught up in the system, this grand machine that the western world has created for us. We have found this niche of acceptable christianity where we compare our walks with God to everybody else’s. we see our 40 minutes of prayer a week a miracle cause everyone else’s is 30 minutes. we have become friends with laziness and indifference.

I mean, the divorce rates in the church are the same as the world. What the heck is going on?

i love to read what other people write. My friend amy said once that writing is better and more beautiful than speaking because it isn’t affected by the rush of conversation. it takes time to spill out the words. Wherever you are, on a beach with a notepad or stuck in a room with a computer, words written take their time to express what needs to be said. Writing is another expression of a personality. People say to me sometimes that i write the way i speak. But i don’t think i do. I write how i write, which i believe is completely different to how i speak. Its another facet of me, another bone for people to pick with, another part of me for people to dislike.

i often find myself looking at people and finding the things that i dislike about them. its like i can’t see past the crap that they have and that i so evidently dislike. it limits my love for them, my chances to talk and know them, my chances to give and receive from them. Whenever i see them i instantly get frustrated by their negatives, rather than looking and trying to find their positives. And even if you can’t find any positives, just trying to love them because God does.

i wrote a post a few nights ago that i didn’t end up posting. I might post it up one day. it basically just said ’sorry’. Sorry to the people that i hurt, sorry for the mistakes i made. Sorry for the bad attitudes that i had, for the words that i should have never had said. I guess it was just asking for people to try and see my positives, whatever they were and wherever they could be found. Im really trying to leave dodgy stuff behind, to embrace life and God and everything that fits in with that.
the heart of this blog was about giving God time everyday, however abstractly that can be interpreted. To be honest with you all, i haven’t really been doing that lately, and i guess thats why my posts have been less frequent. With something of our little souls, we should be pursuing God, trying to find out a little bit more of what he wants, trying to search a little bit more of his heart for us and the world.

The last post i talked about de-wrapping ourselves from ourselves and giving ourselves back to the cause of God and his dream for the world. I’m still on a journey of de-wrapping. I’ll get there eventually.

You sleep so perfectly, as you lay sideward, content and comfortable in your bed. I put my ear to your chest, to hear your heart beat. A smile comes across my face. The sound of your life is beautiful to me.
I wanted to speak with you today, I had lots to talk to you about. I wanted to share my heart with you. I wanted to exchange thoughts for thoughts, uno, like you do with your friends. I had hoped for us to talk when u were getting ready for bed. Sometimes we talk then.
You said thanks, and turned out the light. I started to respond, I said how it was a good day today, and how the weather was nice. I asked you how you went with showing love to your dad. I knew you cared about it, and wanted to help you with it. My words were spoken in vein though. Your thoughts wandered on to how much you earned during the week, and how you were going to spend it. I received five seconds from you. I was thankful for them, I tried to use them, to have a chat, but it just wasn’t long enough.
You sometimes talk to your friends about me. That’s cool. Some weeks we are really great. We talk and share, and you slowly give bits and pieces of yourself to me. Eventually though you take it all back. A good week will usually be followed with a bad week. Or a good month will follow a bad month. Your heart simply wanders to other things. It’s a hard relationship, but I take what I can get.
Now. Right now. I feel forgotten.
My days are five seconds long.
I sing love songs over you, all day long, hoping that you would hear me.
You exchange it with five seconds.
I pray for you, hour after hour, before the Father God, interceding for you.
You exchange it with five seconds.
The only way that we could ever speak, or for us to ever have a relationship, was for me to die. I decided to.
You exchanged this, with five seconds. I wish we were more. more than five seconds.
I wish I was more. more than forgotten.
—-
david goode (c) november, 2006.

i wrote this a year ago. pretty much exactly a year ago. actually, i still remember the night i wrote it. it was one of the most emotional moments of the year.
after trying to sleep in the heat, i stumbled out of my bed, my knees abruptly hitting the ground, making a light thud. i had hit abit of a low. I spent the whole empty day by myself, buying useless crap i didn’t need. i felt bad that i had spent all my money, so much so that i didn’t even have enough money for my tithe at the end of the week.
the discman was next to the bed.
`beep beep beep. play.
with my seinnheisers fully covering my ears, on played worlds apart by Jars of Clay. i looked blankly in my lonely room at the wall in front of me, lit by the dull reading light resting on the bed head.
as the words slowly spilt out of the tiny speakers cuffed to my ears, i had this intense image of Jesus being with me the whole day. He was with me in the stores that i went to, when i had lunch, when i was in the car and when i was at home. The only problem was that i had headphones on, and i couldn’t hear a word he said. I was trapped in my own head, my headphones regurgitating myself over and over again.
i ripped my headphones off and chucked them across the other side of the room. Onto the desk chair i went, quickly typing in the passwords to get it open. I started typing the words written above, tears hitting the keys below. my eyes didn’t stop, so much so i could barely see the screen. it didn’t matter, i knew exactly what i had to write. once i finished i kinda just sat there, not really knowing what to do or say or feel. i eventually crept back into bed and soon fell asleep. this was me saying sorry, me realising that what i was giving wasn’t enough, me realising that i wanted to give more.

I write these words, and re-visit the words above because its more often than not how my life becomes. I sit here in my lounge room and tell you that things aren’t much different. im not writing this for you to feel sorry for me, or for you to tell me not to feel condemned or guilty, cause i know all of that stuff.
im writing this because im on a mission. mission to de-wrap. im so wrapped up in my own skin and my own thoughts and my own world; im kinda getting over it.
i want to de-wrap myself from myself. its not just a one off thing, de-wrapping is a process. stepping out of the world of self, and looking to Jesus, the author of everything. stepping out of self, and looking to other people, people God created for us to love and accept and care for.
i want to invite you on the journey. i hope that other people can identify with me, and that im not just alone in this problem. to de-wrap the world from all their troubles, we need to firstly de-wrap ourselves from ourselves.

so, whos in?

fill me with everything that im not. take away all the ugly bad parts, leave me bare with nothing to hide. this shame cripples me inside, it obviously isn’t meant to be here. it doesn’t feel right, its like a stranger in a foreign land, an alien to another world. since when were machines meant to fail? humans meant to die? i was meant to feel full life and everything that it entails. i was not created for shame.

i dont know enough words that are the right ones. I wish to change you with these sentences, but im unsure as to how exactly they are to be constructed. sometimes i get sick of cryptic messages. can i just say exactly what i want to say without having to rely on you intepreting it the right way?

you need God.
this might not be enough for you. you might need some amazing explanation, some thesis, reason to understand why exactly you need him. Right now i can’t give that to you. all i know is that every single part of humanity is screaming for truth and for it to be seen. Its screaming for love and grace. everything that Jesus is. the story of christianity is one big massive supergiant story between God and man. A story of mans betrayal, and Gods beautiful grace.
anything good that we could ever become originates from God and him only. please believe me. those that remotely know and understand this, run after him with everything you have. God is so over half-hearted crap. Those that don’t understand this, give me a call and we can discuss it over a nice hot coffee. i’d love to hear your questions.
let us embrace life + Jesus. life isn’t life when we don’t.

it was just normal church that sunday, a normal overcast day, normal message, normal music. I would usually do something with my friends after church, but everyone was busy, so i just went straight home. There was no body at home, my family was out doing something too.
I floated around my house for a little while. Made myself a drink, cleaned my room, went on the computer. I tried to fill my afternoon with many little small things, but that only lasted so long. I soon found myself wanting to talk to someone. So i tried a few people, MSN, phone messages. No one was replying. Then i tried to ring some of them. None of them would pick up their phones either. I literally tried like ten people and no one would answer, they would just go straight to voicemail.
it was strange. I felt in this moment slightly lonely. I felt that i was alone and that i couldn’t share my human experience with anyone. It wasn’t a good feeling at all. It sucked to be honest. I felt suffocated, isolated, upset, annoyed.
After walking around the house for a little while feeling a little down, i got out the book and just started to read something, anything. God soon comforted me and told me that he was there and that he wanted to chill with me. but it made me think, how would people handle this kind of feeling twenty-four seven? i felt this feeling of lonliness only mildly and temporarily, for a short period of time. how would people be if it seemed to always be there, lurking behind every corner, following them wherever they went, always being their greatest downfall.
I realised that so much life is shaped by our friends, the people we hang around with. I was talking with a friend the other week about how much her sister has made her the way she is, simply because they spend so much time with each other. its the same with friends. God created the concept of friends, it is one of his grandest achievements. I am sure you have often heard the saying that no man is an island. This applies to myself as well. i am so grateful for my friends, i think they are all so beautiful and make my world bright as bright can be.
I would just like to take this little space, this little net space, to speak and thank some of my friends. Of course i could be here forever, but i just want to talk about ten friends that make my life special. i could list oh so many more, but ill just leave it for ten today. Dont be sad if your name isnt mentioned, you know i still love you! have to stop and some number, so i thought ten would be nice. So here we go, in no particular order.

JordanH.
I guess i never really let you know how much you mean to me brother. Last year was like hardcore bonding, camping together, leading together, learning together, fighting together, praying together, forgiving together, listening together, respecting together. Everything was together, you were like my girlfriend cause i saw you so much. Your a real mate bud, you are really loyal, you see the person and heart in people and nothing else. i feel i can just chill with you whenever and not have to say or do anything. i can just be me, and thats important. We are reasonably young friends, and i can see being friends with you forever. i can see us out on the porch somewhere, watching our grandkids play together, thinking about times like these. Thanks for being there for me so many times.

GraceL.
Sometimes i feel like such a bad friend to you Grace, i never show you how much you mean to me. Ever since your birthday last year, you really have just become like a sister to me, in every possible way. i have ‘cried on your shoulder’ many times, complaining to you, letting my heart run free, telling you exactly how it feels. You see all my faults i think, cause i tell you so much, you see me at my worst, but you still love me for me. Not in any silly romantic way, but in a beautiful friendship way, and that makes me smile. You always sigh and say ‘dave dave dave, will you ever learn?’, when you see me repeat the same mistakes or hurt people or do whatever i do that is silly. Its not a judgmental dave dave dave though, its a caring, loving and sometimes worrying dave dave dave, that hopes the best for my life, that actually cares about what i do next. Your a beautiful sister, thanks for being there when i needed you.

SamuelK.
I wish we could hang out more. thats all i really need to say. You are an inspiration brother, a true shining inspiration. Whenever i hang around you, i really feel myself lifted up. You encourage me in everything, in my long term goals, in my striving for seeking out God and loving Him with everything. You just live your life with such integrity and honesty man, such passion and zeal, its awesome. God has set you apart like an apple in a garden of oranges. Our meeting back at the start of last year was no accident brother. you have taught me and encouraged me so much, i really feel a deep connection with you and really feel that your life in the future will continue to encourage me and spur me on to grow, to change that little bit of my character, or to sacfriice that little bit more of my life. Youre a great friend and are always willing to set aside time for me, even though you are so incredibly busy. That means alot to me bud, thanks.

JamesL.
Nigga, fool. I probably call you these two terms more than i call you your own name. The funny thing is, you arent either. You certainly aren’t a fool, and you definitely aren’t a nigga, thats for sure. I like you because you care. You really do care. you listen to me. Even when you dont know what to say, you always come up with some kind of advice that makes me smile. Man we have got so many memories together. Like 15 years worth of memories. I remember your five houses and all the mad stuff that we would do at all of them. All the times we have hung out doing what we do, playing computer, shooting the neighbours dog with waterguns, breaking the law in my car, stealing mars bars from supermarkets. It has all been mad fun. You’re a quality guy, and if any chick breaks your heart ill vow never to speak to them again. Me thinks im protective over you.

RachelL.
Rachellll. You make my friendship circle complete. There is no one in the world that understands me like you do. There is no one in the world that could replace you as a friend. I know that i know that i know that we will be forever friends, however loosely you want to apply that term. We have had our little times of watever, but i think we have kinda come through all of that now. Its true, whenever i seem to be putting in the effort you didnt seem to be. And whenever you seemed to be putting in the effort, i didnt seem to be. I think that we are both gradually now, at the same time, which makes it ever so beautiful. You inspire me in so many ways. You are my favourite writer, your words are so ridisculously perfect they make me cringe inside. You have sent me the most letters, you have written me the longest emails, you have made me the most bookmarks. Thanks for everything rach. You’re really cool.

AmyS.
sometimes i feel like ive known you for ages, more than the time we have hung out. Other times i feel like there is so much that i don’t know about you, like finding pages glued together in a book, opening them up and reading fresh new dialogue which adds so much more to the story. I like how we journey together. We often discover things at the same time. We find oursevles asking the same questions and being frustrated with the same issues. Some things we are on the same page about, and other things we are totally not. But thats cool, we push that aside and still manage to have the raddest fun ever. i love it how you are so alive, you are so active and you always look to embrace life at every opportunity. You listen to me, you are interested in me, you challenge me to go further, you hope the best for me. This means the world. thanks for everything, thanks for putting up with me when ive been a loser. Thanks for just simply being a friend. Youre the best.

BenC.
I wonder if you thought if you were one of my closest friends? well let me answer that question for you. yes you are. We dont hang out much 1 on 1, but we see each other heaps in group situations. and if you were gone from those group situations i would feel it like anything else. You really are a brother. You just love me just cause im dougy. hey that rhymes. No doubt our accountability group has brought us really close. I love to hear your heart and listen to whats going on in your head. You make me want to come to church sometimes. Like just you being there makes such a difference. You leaving church would kill me, haha, no pressure there. but you know what i mean. You are honest as anything, so so real and that is just refreshing. We confront similiar issues and its cool to be able to talk through them. Im so looking forward to your life, and what it entails in the future. Its gonna rock bro, rock like anything.

StevenW.
Well you would be the veteran on this list mate. You get the award for putting up with me for the longest period of time. nearly twenty years it would be. we share so many memories. we have had so many conversations together, so many times being close and so many times apart. times when there has been crap between us and other times when it would feel like nothing could break the bonds between us. i think you in my life would be classic example of the quote ‘you dont know what you’ve got till its gone’. You have just always been there, and until you leave, i dont think i would ever know the full extent of your impact in my life. You always bring me back to earth steve. You always know how to have a good time, and its been really great to get to know that little bit more over the past few months. i really believe that God will develop our friendship further in the future. Your a true brother, i would do almost anything for you bro. love your work, thanks.

StephT.
STEPH. aw steph i love you muchly. remember if we are both twenty eight and unmarried then we are going to marry each other! hehe. we have a special bond, i know this for sure. i could hang at your place any day. Im really sorry over the past few months i havent really made enough effort. that one chat that we had a few weeks ago was beautiful. I wish we could hang out more, maybe i can come visit you at bayside one day. All the great times we have had in the past. Canberra trip, those prayer breakfasts, speaking every fricken monday morning for captaincy, supporting me with fiveoneseven, holding me when i needed someone to hold me. I still remember looking around for you that one day, on the verge of tears when i had that fight with that friend. i think we both know who that was. I didnt want to see anyone else but you. You care for me lots, i know that, cause you show it. Thanks for being amazing. i hope we never drift apart.

BenN.
last but definitely not least, is benjamin. you are just plain cool. everybody knows that. dude check out the memories we have. playing psycho ball in my old room, wrestling each other to the ground in primary school. playing hours and hours of computer games. playing footy and table tennis in your old back yard. going to southland way too often, spitting from the top floor and getting told off by secruity guards. sleeping in the same bed at planetshakers, screaming and going absolutely going nuts to the sounds of underoath and emery. having some sweet as times with God, speaking over each other with encouraging and sometimes challenging words. Leading cell groups together at youth, checking out music together, going to gigs together, eating way too much together, travelling together, farting together, singing to the methane song together. Dude, we were so cool. Now we dont get to hang so much, which sucks. Thanks for always being there. Sucks that i couldnt come to your movie on sunday night, dont feel the best about that. Our time is not up yet bro. We still have the world to conquer! love ya mate, your a true champion.

Goodness, 2300 words, ive written a flippen essay. But the thing is i could write so much more. maybe ill make a part two of this. The point of this post is simply to be thankful for your friends. God loves it when we share our life with other people. Its half of what this thing is about.