endmesilly.

paintmesilly, paintedmesilly from July 19th 2007 –> May 5th 2008.
Thanks for reading. This blog was probably more for the writer than the reader. But that happens alot. Blogs for me are like seasons. I can’t write about summer when it’s freezing in the middle of winter. So i do have a new blog. it is http://www.staysmallwithme.wordpress.com Much Love
David Goode

millstone

“You came of the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve.” said Aslan. “And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest begger, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth. Be content.”

– C.S Lewis in Prince Caspian

the ocean

Dear Dad,

I don’t have anything really specifically to say. As I sit to write these words, I don’t have a pad next to me with a whole lot of dot points, plotting out what I want to say. It’s just me with my mind, and my fingers typing what my mind figures out. I have wanted to write this for a while now, so I apologise to myself as well to you that this was not written earlier. I am sure though that you are not disappointed as it is not something that you are expecting. I am unsure of the length, or the content of what will be said. We will just see where the pen leads.

reckoner

*words scribbled on the back of an exercise book at the end of 2006, when i failed a subject at bible college*

house of cards

All i wanted to do that night was to cut those red capsicums. It was so methodical. Three cuts along the seam of the capsicum, then one across the face. Cut cut cut cut in the bucket. Aaron gave me one of his sharp knives to cut them too. I was facing the edge of the kitchen, with my back facing the customers, my knife in hand, cut cut cut cut in the bucket. The speakers were facing my way too. The kitchen i work in is an open kitchen, so that means when we have music playing, it has to be really soft, otherwise the customers can hear it, and thats no good. i can’t remember what was playing, all i remember is thinking that it was good that i could hear the music. Cut cut cut cut in the bucket.

155

‘Laughter is carbonated holiness’ – Anne Lamott

porcelain

Words scroll across a wonderful screen, like this one, over and over again. These words scroll across in pieces of time that seem to be repeated over, like breathing air once already breathed, giving you that irreplaceable stale feeling against your skin on a nice hot day. I’m sure i was lying on this bed, with this same computer, typing like i am now just a few days ago.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Is this repetitive yet? Is this repetitive yet? Is this repetitive yet? Is this repetitive yet? i wonder whether repeating scenes of our lives is a healthy or non-healthy thing. i know non-healthy isn’t a word, but i don’t care, lets use it anyway.

pretend you’re alive

my scene is the same as usual. sitting on the bed with my laptop on my lap. funny that. it’s a pretty apt name don’t you think? They really thought hard about that one. a while ago i found a spot where i can let it rest on my lap without it heating up too much. its hard to explain, but its good. it just means that i can rest in the same position for a long time without feeling like my legs are about to go on fire.

stationary stationary

i realise that i never really let any dedicated reader of this blog know how i am feeling and what i’m actually doing with my life. The last three blog posts were in a series of four. The fourth one is currently scribbled on a A4 pad which i bought from a 7/11 in the middle of bangkok for 32 cents. Its folded and creased and battered from travel abuse. its one of those pads that you don’t really care about, one of those pads that you use for scribbling down phone numbers and working out simple sums. im still yet to transcribe it to computer form, hence the lack of posting for the last week.

steer

I could try my very best and summarise the whole bible story in a couple of paragraphs for you. You could understand the basic outline of how the whole thing works out. Who wins, who looses, what Jesus does, why he does it and how. But something about that idea I just don’t like. It just wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be fair on anyones part. It wouldn’t be fair on God, if you just used some half-baked typed up little summary with pretty little pictures illustrating the ‘ten big steps’ of the christian story. It wouldn’t be fair on me, relying on something I have created, something like a smaller bible, for such a critical decision. And lastly it wouldn’t be fair on you. Could you possibly capture the beauty of the whole Lord of The Rings trilogy in just a few paragraphs? It’s the same principle.

wonderful world

I have about eight little thai orphans watching me write these words. Of course, they have no idea what they are, as their ability to even speak english doesn’t exist let alone read it. The one on my left is coughing far too much, enough to make me pray that I don’t get whatever it is he has. The one on my right is way too active for his own good, looking at five places at once, jumping, dancing and sitting all at the same time.

everlasting scene

So I have come to this critical decision in my mind that no matter what is going on around me, whether there is a cyclone right outside my window or a dog peeing on my right foot, the scriptures need my time. The importance of time gives out more than we will ever know. I try to comprehend every now and again what our time really is worth, but I always end up resigned with hands thrown in the air. We can never know, so we may as well try to make the best of it now while we have it.

lets.start.this.up.again.

new year, new posts. paintmesilly starts it all again.

how far we’ve come

i dedicate this post to the year of oh eight. we are all framed individually in this piece of time, crazy isn’t it? me, you and the most powerful men around the world all share this in common. No matter how much we try to manipulate stuff, we as humans can’t change time. i don’t care how many sushi restaurants you own, your getting older and you have less and less to loose. oh i don’t want to start this year on a depressing lets-be-critical mood, but maybe thats the way it needs to be. i think this year is a year where a lot of us wake up to reality, where we slap ourselves silly and start to make changes so we can facilitate attitudes that will change the world. haha, are you sick of idealistic nonsense from this blog?

my glorious

if you haven’t yet noticed, i have taken something like a holiday from my writing. it was never intended, actually. It just happened like that. This is by far the longest break i have ever had, on this blog anyway.
I often have an urge or two to jot some words down on paper, but often lately the jots haven’t been able to find any contact with anything substantial. And the results? no writing.
Half of the problem is that i’m reading too much. Now thats a bit of an oxymoron isn’t it? Doesn’t reading inspire writing? Well i guess it does. But i think the more i read, the less capable i feel, and the less confident i feel in my own writing and words. There are some beautiful pieces of writing out there. Do you ever read something and just sigh and sigh and sigh because you couldn’t think of anything that could be more beautifully constructed? I have found myself doing that over and over lately. Sometimes i think i should just give up writing on this thing altogether. Ill just state quote after quote after quote. because no doubt, everything that i want to say and will want to say in the future, has got to be said by someone somewhere already. Right?

Don’t worry, i’ll write something soon. this isn’t really a post, just a blog explaining why im not.

studying politics

i guess I’m just a square trying to fit in all the wrong circles. sometimes it feels like my mind is wrapped in cellophane, everything is just tainted a little bit different from what the real reality is. scream shout and kick your way to something new, try and pretend you’ve begun a new chapter. That you inside that skin shell of yours have begun something fresh that is different from the last five depressing years of your life. Lets start to touch the eternal things. Circles are terribly overrated, the issues you have now should have been dealt with ten years ago. God are we completely missing the point?

9 crimes

i love to read what other people write. My friend amy said once that writing is better and more beautiful than speaking because it isn’t affected by the rush of conversation. it takes time to spill out the words. Wherever you are, on a beach with a notepad or stuck in a room with a computer, words written take their time to express what needs to be said. Writing is another expression of a personality. People say to me sometimes that i write the way i speak. But i don’t think i do. I write how i write, which i believe is completely different to how i speak. Its another facet of me, another bone for people to pick with, another part of me for people to dislike.

worlds apart

You sleep so perfectly, as you lay sideward, content and comfortable in your bed. I put my ear to your chest, to hear your heart beat. A smile comes across my face. The sound of your life is beautiful to me.
I wanted to speak with you today, I had lots to talk to you about. I wanted to share my heart with you. I wanted to exchange thoughts for thoughts, uno, like you do with your friends. I had hoped for us to talk when u were getting ready for bed. Sometimes we talk then.

milk and honey

fill me with everything that im not. take away all the ugly bad parts, leave me bare with nothing to hide. this shame cripples me inside, it obviously isn’t meant to be here. it doesn’t feel right, its like a stranger in a foreign land, an alien to another world. since when were machines meant to fail? humans meant to die? i was meant to feel full life and everything that it entails. i was not created for shame.

i dont know enough words that are the right ones. I wish to change you with these sentences, but im unsure as to how exactly they are to be constructed. sometimes i get sick of cryptic messages. can i just say exactly what i want to say without having to rely on you intepreting it the right way?

cling and clatter

it was just normal church that sunday, a normal overcast day, normal message, normal music. I would usually do something with my friends after church, but everyone was busy, so i just went straight home. There was no body at home, my family was out doing something too.
I floated around my house for a little while. Made myself a drink, cleaned my room, went on the computer. I tried to fill my afternoon with many little small things, but that only lasted so long. I soon found myself wanting to talk to someone. So i tried a few people, MSN, phone messages. No one was replying. Then i tried to ring some of them. None of them would pick up their phones either. I literally tried like ten people and no one would answer, they would just go straight to voicemail.

writing on the walls

Smack! he was out, and who knows how long for. something hit him pretty hard and he was out like a light.
After quite abit of time blank he wakes up on a bed. The room is quiet and boring. The bed covers resemble something of a deep, subtle, blood-like red, the bed in the middle of the room, with old 1950’s dark green patterned wall paper peeling off at the edges. The room wasn’t very well lit, with just one light in the middle, a light that wasn’t doing a very good job.
He didnt recognize the room, and looked around trying to find something he could associate with, just to let him know where he was. He got out of the bed and stumbled towards the doorway to find something else he could recognise. Adjacent to the bedroom was another room, slightly bigger. This room was similiar, green wall paper. A single couch sat in the middle of the room, in front of a old television, which stood on a wooden stand. The television was off, with knobs on its right side inviting it to be switched on.

chase this light

this christian thing is full of everything. painted with perfect moments of sheer joy and happiness, wondering how a God so incredibly huge and beautiful wants to know us so closely, like lovers. Sitting down at a beach, looking out into the ocean and daring to believe that he wants to use us, amongst the billions of other things that float around his crazy world.
Painfully painted with moments of shame and guilt. When we turn our backs and trade five seconds with a days worth of constant love and desire. Waking up in places that we know aren’t right and aren’t good for us. Realising that we have traded little money notes and frivilious friends for eternal things. Moments painted so painfully where we take back words that we have said to God. Mornings of planetshakers and hillsongs, vowing for lives of increase and dedication, only finding ourselves months later practicing sick routines that mock God of His existence.

speeding cars

im so not in a blog writitng mood right now. a late movie is on tv, with harrison ford looking about 30 years old. So much has happened since the last time i wrote on this little website. i’m not quite sure where to start.
i don’t know if you subscribe yourself with the christian faith or not. i love you, or try to love you either way. not because i have a bias towards christians, but because i am a fallen man and have trouble with love and receiving love. i wish i could rid myself of all, except love. To live, love, and then die.
not the crappy selfish love that is shown on television boxers and heard on radio speakers, but real ancient selfless love. Hanson were right when they sang that love makes the world go round. People travel the world searching for real love, perfect love, satisfying love. Love that gives you complete secruity in who you are, a confidence to be completely and freely ‘you’. I believe that i have found this love in Jesus, and this is exactly why i write these silly messages to you on this silly little website.

superman

its 3:26 and i cant sleep. Its rather odd. I haven’t even tried to start sleeping. The light is still on, my clothes from the night before are still being worn, my mind is in fifth gear and i feel wide awake. Driving home tonight i decided that i was going to blog, because i want to get into a routine of doing it at least twice a week, instead of the once a week that has been happening recently.

I parked the car and opened the back seat to get out my phone and wallet before i went inside. And there scattered in the backseat were random bits and pieces from days and weeks before.

older than i was before

Silence has become the new black for me. walking down after my tute today i followed myself to the second level, just cause i’m the curious person that i am. I have classes on every level, except this level. i walked in and yes, the level was quiet. So quiet in fact that all i could hear were my own footsteps. I walked around for a little while until i found a set of chairs, red chairs, lined up against the wall, waiting for someone to sit on them. I thought i’d give them some company and went to have a seat.

delicate

well this is a first. First time i have ever written a post at the bench of my kitchen eating breakfast. Stuffing down some allbran, i thought to grab my mac to type some words. First bowl of Allbran ever and its not the nicest breakfast cereal i can tell you that. Nevertheless im trying it out leading up to my run in two weeks. its gotta be better than nutri-grain right?
Well i have finished my computer fast. And let me be honest with you, it wasnt a complete sucess. I did use my computer throughout the fast, for uni work, and also to check emails too. So yes, naughty naughty dave dave. On the flipside though, i never touched myspace or MSN or last.fm and never wrote an email.
I think it was also good to take a break from writing as well. Writing two-three times a week can be tiring i find, so to take a week off is good to mull over stuff again and give yourself something of a fresh re-start. so i will probably do this every couple of months, kind of like a blog-ban.

notice this

stop looking at that fly buzzing around the room and pay your attention here. I will not be posting for another week as i will be fasting the computer for the entire time. Its a good thing, a God thing, that i do this. Im sure you wont miss my writings that much, they aren’t that good.
it will be exciting when i get back, new thoughts to explore, fresh words to write, sentences to plot. When i get back i hope to take a more direct focus on my time with Jesus, as i havent done that for a while now.
many blessings to you all, hope this week is as wonderful as ever.
`dave.

healer

One of my favourite bands, Lovedrug, a secular artist, released an album in March this year called “everything starts where it ends”. This was a song on the album, and he made it the title song for a few reasons.
Directly quoting, ‘…A half hour later I had what became the title track to our new record… it was called Everything Starts Where it Ends. Something about the line intrigued me into thinking about how everything has a purpose but never seems to go anywhere. And what really matters is the stuff that happens in between what we consider to be the beginning and the end.’

on letting go

me, you and that other guy over there can change the world. Often i will have these feelings where i feel like i am called to some great cause. As if i am apart of a kingdom with the king personally calling me to his court in front of thousands of people, commissioning me to something special. I remember at the start of the semester for uni, we had a tute where we started with introducing ourselves. One guy said something along the lines of, ‘I know it sounds cliched and all but like i wanna change the world. I wanna do something that is meaningful, something beyond my own life.’ He wasn’t sure what, but he knew he wanted to do something special. Something with substance.

whatever it takes

I took to the road, Underoath in play, seatbelt tight, keys in. I planned to stay home today, but I told an old friend I would keep her company, so I consented with myself to keep to my word. I know my words can devaluate, like a 50 dollar note cut in half. I don’t want my friends to end up second guessing everything I say. You know, im trying to be responsible, trying to look after my self.

travel hymn

Read ‘disarray’ before reading this post. I strongly advise it.

I was looking down and doing a quick check of my money as we turned the corner. Wondering what on earth he meant by ‘we are here’, i looked up and through my backseat window to see what we had come too. What i initially saw i didnt quite understand, it took me about five seconds to realise what i was seeing. The street was dark and badly lit. It seemed the road wasnt completly sealed either as the ride suddenly became a little bumpy. On my left side i saw a string of girls, probably some as young as 14, lined up alongside the road, all dressed up, ready for a night out. The road went on forever, probably a kilometre long, with literally hundreds of girls alongside the road.

disarray

We greeted one another one more time before saying goodbye. It would have been about one in the morning and i was starting to feel it. We had a good talk but it was now time to go home, whatever that was. I stepped onto the main street and find my left shoe in a puddle of who knows what. I shook it off and choose not to think about what it could be. The air was muggy and sticky as it usually is, but this time it didn’t seem to bother me. i braced the air as it whizzed past me from the cars that were going in the opposite direction. Finally i found a taxi that was free and hailed it over.

paralytic

do you ever have those days that are just so bad that you wish you didnt have to wake up the next morning? or you wish that there was nothing on the next day so you could catch up on all the stuff that you should have done? its kind of like a mild depression. Im far from being depressed mind you, but im sure if i continued on this thought pattern long enough i’d get depressed sooner or later. My day was far from being what my last name suggests.

crimson roads

when something big happens, like a crisis or a disaster or an act of great injustice, all small pety things seem to just fade into the background. I remember once reading an email from a friend. This would have been at least three years ago now. I just had a moving time with Jesus before hand, so i was in a very serious, ‘holy’ frame of mind when i went to read it. There sat in my inbox was the email from the dear friend.

paper scars

Im finding that im getting busier and busier as the semester goes on and as the end of the year gets closer. I’m slowly putting in place a healthy routine of work, church and Uni (+homework) which enables me to have a nice balance of each. Finding that balance is hard but im sure on my way. Nevertheless, i’ve found that im getting busier and it’s kinda inevitable. I am yet to post about this, but for me to get into thammasat university over in bangkok, i need to get something like a DI average. This unfortunately means alot more of a focus on Uni. It also means that amognst me finding this ‘balance’, im trying to work out how blogging fits in. It isn’t the quickest thing to do, so i have to structure and factor it in. I dont know how often i will blog, but at the moment its looking to be monday, wednesday and friday. This could change though, so i’ll keep you posted.

thieving

it was late early-morning something, around four or five when i woke up with a terrible feeling in my stomach. Immediately i knew it was from the chilli pizza i ate the night before. I threw those beasts down my throat like nothing else and now i was reaping the consequences. I walked down to the kitchen and opened the fridge to bless my body with some saving fluid. I had a couple of glasses of juice, grape juice, and then went back to bed. Mum started buying grape juice a year or two ago. It was weird when she first got it. It was like i was having communion every five minutes, because the only times previous that i’d had grape juice was during communion at church.

careful hands

i could talk about so much right here in this little space that you care enough about to look at.
My day was long and abnormal and maybe thats why i have so much to say. It started off last night with not being able to sleep. This meant that i had about 45 minutes sleep because i had to get up at 2am to do my magazine run. Waking up to the alarm i thought i was in a war, and that sleeping a little bit more was somehow going to do something to expand my countries borders. War makes me confused.
I was obviously tired for most of the run. I was tired when i got home. Then i slept for about seven hours and felt even more tired when i woke up. Thankfully that was only temporary and after showering i felt better. I usually only sleep for four hours, so now im wondering how im going to go about sleeping when i try later tonight.

blind

This is around my 6800th night living on this planet. Sure i could work it out exactly but my brain hurts and i just can’t be bothered. So we will say 6800 as an approximate. I love the familiar, not always, but most of the time. I guess it depends if the familiar is a good thing or a bad thing. Being in other cultures and being surrounded by unfamiliar things can have its effects.
For example, the last thailand trip we didn’t just go to thailand, we went to Laos as well. Thailand has never been colonized. Laos has. Laos was colonized by the French once upon a time. Going over the border from Thailand to Laos wasn’t a massive change, much of the landscape was the same and the language was almost indentical. One thing i did notice but, and something that i saw to be familiar and found to be comforting, was the amount of European architecture. Something as small as that, how buildings look, just made me feel that little bit more comfortable.

with me

Today i was early for a meeting with a Pastor of whom i was helping out with his website. Sitting in gloria Jeans waiting for him, i pulled out my bible and flicked to matthew 12. Dont worry i dont carry my bible around with me everywhere, but i knew i was early so i brought it with me from the car. One of the staff kinda glanced over to see what i was reading. I caught her looking. Once she realised it was a bible she kinda gave a sour look and turned away. i chuckled to myself inside. I wondered how many cool points i lost. way down the list i was sure of it. and im about meet with a pastor… GOSH! sooo un-hip.

if your eyes were mine

look in the mirror for a little while and tell me what you see. i see a cracked hopeless patethic man lost so badly in his mistakes that he may as well not get up again. i find no comfort in these words, no solace in these sentences, words stuck together in a rush of emotion and pain. This is all i have, these deaf dumb blind scribblings, completely and utterly covered in shame. You begged and i wouldn’t listen, i wouldn’t even hear it.
please, let me be frustrated with these small things. I want to soak in my pain this time. it might be a little stupid, a little silly, but hey, that is who i am right now. Your words mean nothing to me now, its like time is the only thing that can heal this wound of mine. im full of fear, only because im afraid that this will happen again, and i wont be able to do anything to stop it.

ten years and seperating states.

Grace was chattering away at me yesterday morning, telling me I needed a drink with my fatty macdonalds breakfast. So i got one, a pineapple one in fact. I paid with the card, so the girl asked me if i wanted cashout. Mmmm cashout… sounds good i thought, so i asked for 10 bucks. We continued our pleasant chatter while I got my food and remembered that i still owed her money, so we quickly went to the commonwealth atm to get it out.

take it away

today has been a rollarcoaster of a day. i don’t want to bore you with a sob story, but its been hard, trying to prepare a presentation for uni tomorrow and somewhat failing. right now, i feel frustrated at myself and annoyed too because tomorrow im going to be all stressed about it cause i haven’t prepared enough. It sucks. Dwelling over mistakes and failures makes you all the worse really. It takes the joy out of life too. Everything just suddenly seems so dull and boring when you feel shame and/or stress.

life is…

this is more of an announcement than a post. I have decided that i wont post over the weekends. The monday posting might be a little longer than the rest but yes, i dont want to live my whole life just writing blog posts thats for sure. And thursday nights i work late so by the time i get home im far too tired to write a post. So that means four posts a week, which i think is a good number.
thanks for taking time to read this. Please leave comments whenever you can, its great to hear from you.
blessings
dave

boston

I quite like my ESV. Its thin, with a burgundy leather cover. It’s taller than the average bible. It has a bookmarker string thing, as well as gold edged pages, so if i were to read it on the train people would know that its a bible. I probably own about 15 bibles. I went through a phase where i was obsessed with them and bought heaps of them. That was a while ago now. I haven’t bought one for ages. Even though i have a collection, there is only one that i do my usual reading in and thats my thinline NKJV. That is currently at benjamin newtons place gathering dust, so since i left it there and havent been bothered to get it i opted to reading my ESV. Don’t really mind it either. The font is cool. I used to be really anal about versions and very pro-NKJV, but now i dont really mind. I still love NKJ for its word for word, but the nlt, niv, esv are still great. ncv is abit simplistic for me, and the message, well, definitely not a fan. He tries too hard. Read Psalm 1 and you’ll know what i mean.

a movie script ending.

i do realise that i didn’t mention anything about my twg in my last post. It wasn’t because i failed to do it, it was just because i thought the post would be simply too long if i started to delve into that as well. I really don’t know how many people will read this. I don’t want it to be a burden to read, thats for sure. Some entries will be longer than others. In terms of the average length… i have no idea. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

no suprises

following Jesus isn’t easy. Sometimes i kid myself into believing that it is. I don’t know how i do it. And this is a problem, because when i look to make a decision, following Christ suddenly seems too hard, and i take the easy way out.
God has made us beautiful creatures, intricate and full of wonder in every way. As each day passes, i understand this to be true just a little bit more. What i am also understanding though, is that we are broken, something has happened to us that has made us miss the mark. We aren’t as we should be, we are like stuffed toys with our stitching loose, trying ever so hard to pack our stuffing back in.

hanging by a moment.

we have all heard it before, the fact that the bible is a bunch of books bound together as one big book, the book we call in English as the bible. We have all heard how chapters and versus can sometimes be countereffective to the message, because the words weren’t strung together that way, they were written as a story, one thing linking to another thing, a holistic beast of a thing.

the purpose of this blog

this is essentially my fifth blog. The first one i had was at blogspot, called nonchalent focus. That was started in October 2004. That didnt last long, and i soon moved to xanga. Xanga survived for about a year, from April 2005-February 2006. After xanga fizzled out, i moved back to blogspot, and started my blog .daviddouglasgoode. which is still running now, and has been for about one and a half years. Then in May this year, along side .daviddouglasgoode. i started another blog at wordpress called much afraid. This is a more personal blog, discussing dreams, friendships and struggles. That is also still running.

So why another blog?